What Does Grieving ‘Properly’ Even Mean?
One thing I hear a lot in my work as a grief coach is this:
“I don’t think I’ve grieved properly.“
It usually comes with a quiet kind of guilt – a sense that something has been missed, or done wrong. So I often ask:
“What do you think grieving properly should have looked like?” That’s when people pause.
Because most of us carry this invisible checklist about grief – one we’ve absorbed from films, media, or how others around us reacted. Grief isn’t neat. And it certainly isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience.
There’s No ‘Right’ Way to Grieve
Some people cry, others don’t. Some throw themselves into work or parenting or running – and feel guilty because they’re doing rather than feeling.
But getting up, getting dressed, and doing what needs to be done? That is grieving. It might not look like grief, but relying on muscle memory and soul memory to keep going is part of it.
Just because your grief doesn’t match a stereotype doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
You Are Grieving Without Realising It
Grief doesn’t always announce itself in obvious ways. It can show up as:
Exhaustion
Snapping at people
Forgetfulness
Feeling numb
Trouble sleeping
Struggling to make decisions
A sense that everything is just harder than it used to be
These are all signs that your brain and body are carrying something heavy. You don’t have to collapse in a heap or cry every day to be doing it right.
Let Go of the ‘Shoulds’
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “I should be over this by now” or “I didn’t grieve properly when they died” – please hear this: There is no should in grief.
We encourage ourselves and our children to be unique, to think differently, to express themselves in their own way.
So why do we expect something as huge and life-altering as grief to look the same for everyone?
Your grief journey will take into account who you are, your life experiences, your personality, and your situation. It will move through you in ways that are right for you, even if you don’t fully understand them yet.
You’re Probably Doing Better Than You Think
Even just reading something like this shows you care – about how you’re doing, and maybe how others are too. Grief is never tidy. But if you’re still showing up, even messily, you’re doing the work.
And if you’re ever unsure, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Support is out there. Whether that’s through friends, a support group, or working with someone like me – you don’t have to earn the right to ask for help.
You don’t have to grieve properly. You just have to grieve honestly. And that looks different for everyone.
